全面二孩的熱度似乎還沒有過去，大家都沉浸在可以生二胎的喜悅裡……但是請問各位躍躍欲試“要生生一打”的各位——別說二胎了，生一個，你真的覺得能hold住嘛！看看《每日郵報》為大家準備的育兒任務清單吧！如果你覺得自己能搞定，那麼恭喜你——你做好生娃的準備了；如果不能……英語君還是勸你三思而後行吧……
Task 1. 10am: Put a just-fed, super-sleepy octopus in a crib. Attempt to get all eight limbs into the small eight holes of an octopus sleeping bag. It screams, because it's a new species of screaming octopus.
早晨10點任務一：把剛剛喂好、困頓無比的小八爪魚放到嬰兒床裡。試試看把八肢放進八爪魚睡袋的八個洞洞裡。八爪魚驚聲尖叫，因為這是愛嚎叫的新品種八爪魚。
Task 2. 11am: Pick up 10kg of flour from the supermarket. Whilst carrying it, continue normal tasks, including smiling when strangers poke your flour and ask its gender. At two-hourly-intervals during your day, stick a pencil into the flour so it leaks out everywhere, then wash the ensuing floor mess and your clothes, re-package the flour, and carry on with the rest of your day, whilst never putting down the flour.
早晨11點任務二：從超市選購10公斤麵粉。背面粉的時候，常規任務繼續，包括陌生人戳你麵粉問性別時你得微笑。白天每隔兩小時，戳一支鉛筆到麵粉裡，麵粉撒漏一地，接踵而來的是衣服沾粉、滿地狼藉，你著手清洗、重新裝好麵粉袋，接下來的時間繼續忙活，但絕不能放下那袋麵粉。
Task 3. 12pm: Wearing your best top, pour some water over both breast regions and go out for the afternoon. Every hour, add a splat of smelly thick white liquid to your top. Every meal time, ask your dining companion to throw colourful food at you, ideally staining foods.
12點任務三：穿上你最得體的上裝，在胸前撒點水，然後下午出門在外。每小時在上衣上加一灘濃稠的白色液體。每到餐點都讓飯搭子朝你扔各色食物，最好是會留下汙漬的那種。
Task 4. 1pm: Download an app that blares out hissing sounds and place it next to a dozing time bomb. Try to shower, dry your hair, go to the loo, cook a meal, clear up your house, get ready to go out and catch up on emails in the 23 seconds the time bomb stays silent.
下午1點任務四：下載一個會嘶嘶作響的應用，接著旁邊設置瞌睡定時。試著趕在定時炸彈安靜的23秒內完成淋浴、吹頭髮、去洗手間、做飯、打掃房間、做出門準備、看完郵件這一系列動作。
Task 5. 2pm: Walk to your nearest tube station whilst pushing two heavy suitcases full of necessities for the day, with your screaming octopus strapped to your front in a Baby Bjorn. Ideally do so on a rainy day, wearing an enormous raincoat that covers you and the carrier, but which makes the octopus ANGRY.
下午2點任務五：走到最近的地鐵站去，手裡推著兩個裝滿生活日用品的行李箱，胸前Babybjorn（來自瑞典的專業嬰兒用品品牌）揹帶上綁著你大叫不止的八爪魚。最好是雨天這麼來，穿上大雨衣，矇住你和大箱子，但你的小八爪魚會抓狂。
Task 6. 7pm: Put an alarm clock in a crib. Pat its snooze button for two hours from 7pm so it stays hush. Now have it go off every hour. Have your alarm clock finally settle down at 6.30, half an hour before your iPhone alarm will go off waking you for the day.
晚上7點任務六：把鬧鐘放到嬰兒床裡。從晚上7點起輕點貪睡模式按鈕確保不鬧。然後，每小時鬧一次鈴。六點半時讓你的鬧鐘消停，也就比你的蘋果手機呼喚你起床早半小時。
Task 7. Next day: Tell a friend about your day struggling with a wriggling, screaming octopus, crazy sleep-depriving alarm clock, tempestuous time bomb, heavy lugging-about flour, ruined clothing and travel desperation.
第二天任務七：第二天你和朋友談你的八爪魚扭來扭去尖叫不止、鬧鐘剝奪你睡眠、定時炸彈狂暴躁動，說你和麵粉拉鋸、衣服盡毀、熱切渴望出遊。