《紐約時報》每年都在高三學生中公開徵集關注金錢、工作或者階層的大學申請文書。在今年海量投稿中，有幾篇文書脫穎而出。今天推送佐伊-索蒂爾的申請文書。她來自麻省安多佛的菲利普斯中學，計劃就讀於哥倫比亞大學。
‘My Dell hid my privilege and my Mac hid my financial need’
“戴爾筆記本隱藏了我的特權，而蘋果筆記本隱藏了我的窘境。”
The most exciting part was the laptop.
最令人興奮的部分是那臺筆記本電腦。
My mom grabbed the thick envelope out of my hands and read off the amenities associated with the Tang Scholarship to Phillips Academy: full tuition for all four years, a free summer trip, $20 a week for me to spend on all the Cheetos and nail polish my heart desired, and finally, a free laptop.
媽媽從我手中搶過厚厚的信封，逐項讀出菲利普斯中學唐氏獎學金的各種好處，包括四年的全免學費、一次免費的暑假遊、每週足夠用來購買念念不忘的奇多薯片和做美甲的20美元零花錢，以及一臺免費的筆記本電腦。
I had never had a computer of my own before, and to me the prospect symbolized a world of new possibilities. I was the only student from my public middle school I knew to ever go to an elite boarding school, and it felt like being invited into a selective club. My first week at Andover, dazed by its glamour and newness, I fought my way to the financial aid office to pick up the laptop; I sent my mom a photo of me grinning and clutching the cardboard box. Back in my dorm room, I pulled out my prize, a heavy but functional Dell, and marveled at its sleek edges, its astonishing speed.
我以前從未有過自己的電腦。對我來說，這樣的前景代表著一個充滿全新機會的世界。就我知道，我是我們公立初中校史上第一個進入精英寄宿高中的學生，感覺就像受邀加入一個高級俱樂部。在安多佛的第一個禮拜，它的魅力和新奇令我眼花繚亂。我好不容易找到助學金辦公室，取走筆記本電腦。我笑眯眯地抱著硬紙箱子，拍了一張照片，發給媽媽。回到宿舍以後，我取出獎品。這是一臺很重但功能齊全的戴爾筆記本電腦。它流暢的線條和驚人的速度，令我驚歎不已。
But the love story of my laptop came clamoring to a halt. In the library, as I stumbled to negotiate a space to fit in, I watched my friends each pull out a MacBook. Each was paper-thin and seemingly weightless. And mine, heavy enough to hurt my back and constantly sighing like a tired dog, was distinctly out of place. My laptop, which I had thought was my ticket to the elite world of Andover, actually gave me away as the outsider I was.
然而，我跟這檯筆記本電腦的愛情故事戛然而止。在圖書館，當我還在磕磕絆絆地謀求合適的地方插電腦，我看到朋友們都拿出各自的蘋果筆記本。每檯筆記本都像紙一樣薄，看上去無比輕盈。但是我的電腦非常笨重，不僅壓得背痛，而且還常常像疲乏的小狗一樣發出嘆氣聲，顯然在這裡格格不入。我曾經以為我的筆記本電腦是我進入安多佛精英世界的門票，但事實上卻暴露我不過是個外人而已。
For a long time, this was the crux of my Andover experience: always an outsider. When I hung out with wealthier friends, I was disoriented by how different their lives were from mine. While they spent summers in Prague or Paris, I spent mine mining the constellation of thrift stores around New Haven. The gap between full-scholarship and full-pay felt insurmountable.
在很長的一段時間裡，這成為我在安多佛經歷中的難題，即我只是個外人。當我跟有錢的朋友外出，我為我跟他們之間的生活差異而深感沮喪。當他們在布拉格或者巴黎度過暑假的時候，我卻在紐黑文市周圍遍佈的廉價小店中淘寶。全獎生和自費生之間的鴻溝似乎無法跨越。
But I also felt like an outsider going to meetings for the full-scholarship affinity group. My parents attended college and grew up wealthier than I did, giving me cultural capital many of my full-scholarship friends never had access to. Moreover, I’m white and could afford occasional concert tickets or sparkly earrings. The laptop, carried by all full-scholarship students and coded with hidden meanings, pivoted my friends’ understandings of me. At home, I grew up middle class, then became the privileged prep school girl. But at Andover, suddenly, I was poor. Trying to reconcile these conflicting identities, I realized how complex and mutable class is. My class is connected to my parents’ income, but it’s also rooted in cultural knowledge and objects that are charged with greater meaning.
但是，我去參加全獎生聯誼小組會議時也感覺像個外人。我的父母都上過大學，他們小時候家境都比較好，給予我很多全獎生朋友從來沒有接觸過的文化資本。另外，我是白人，偶爾也能有錢買票去聽音樂會或者買耀眼的耳環。那臺戴爾筆記本電腦，因為全獎生們都不離身而被編入隱藏的涵義，所以也成為朋友們理解我的支點。在家裡，我是中產階級的女兒，上了有特別優勢的預備學校。但是在安多佛，我突然成了窮人。在努力調和這些相互衝突的身份時，我意識到階層是多麼複雜易變的事情。我的階層跟我父母的收入有關，但是它也深深紮根於充滿更寬泛涵義的文化知識和目標裡。
Which brings me back to the laptop: in the middle of my senior fall, my exhausted Dell broke and I couldn’t afford another. When I managed to borrow a slim Mac from my school, I felt the walls around me reorient. I hoped that now I wouldn’t have to think about the electric web of privilege and power every time I sent an email. Instead, I felt a new anxiety: I worried when I sat in the magnificent dining hall with my beautiful computer that I had lost an important part of my identity.
回頭接著說那臺筆記本電腦：在高三年級第一學期期間，我的戴爾筆記本用壞掉了，我買不起新電腦。後來我想辦法從學校借了一臺薄款蘋果筆記本，我感覺自己周圍的高牆換了個方向。我希望現在每次發電子郵件的時候都不需要考慮所謂的特權電子網絡。相反，我感受到新的焦慮：我擔心當自己帶著靚麗的電腦坐在大飯廳裡的時候，我已經失去身份中的重要組成部分。
When I started at Andover, these constant dueling tensions felt like a trap: like I would never be comfortable anywhere. (The school sensed it too, and all full-financial aid students now receive MacBooks.) But maybe it’s the opposite of a trap. Maybe I’m culturally ambidextrous, as comfortable introducing a speaker on the stage of Andover’s century-old chapel as getting my nose pierced in a tattoo parlor in New Haven. My hyperawareness of how my Dell hid my privilege and how my Mac hid my financial need pushed me to be aware of what complicated stories were hiding behind my classmates’ seemingly simple facades. I am a full-scholarship student who benefits from cultural, socioeconomic and racial privilege: my story isn’t easy, but it’s still mine.
當我剛進安多佛，那些常常針鋒相對的緊繃狀態感覺就像是一個陷阱：好像我在任何地方都不會自在。（學校也感受到這點，現在給全獎生的也是蘋果筆記本電腦）但現在可能則是跟陷阱截然相反的感覺。我在文化上基本可以雙管齊下，一面站在安多佛百年教堂裡得心應手地介紹嘉賓，一面在紐黑文市的紋身店裡隨心所欲地穿鼻孔。戴爾筆記本隱藏了我的特權，而蘋果筆記本隱藏了我的窘境，我對於這些情況都心知肚明，並且督促自己去認識同學們看似簡單的外表背後都隱藏著多麼複雜的故事。我是一名全獎生，但是我在文化、社會經濟和種族方面卻有既得特權：我的故事不簡單，但這仍然是我的故事。