頂尖名校約翰霍普斯金大學文書解析

大學 霍普金斯大學 S.H.E 美國 江博教育 2017-05-06

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01

文書欣賞

Johns Hopkins University

頂尖名校約翰霍普斯金大學文書解析

約翰霍普金斯大學

JHU 尤以其醫學、公共衛生、科學研究、國際關係、文學、藝術以及眾多應用科學研究領域的卓越成就而聞名世界。

“Cooking Up a Cataclysm”

Goggles? Check.

Lab coat? Yep.

Common sense? Maybe not.

I was determined to start the mission anyway, a mission of proving independence, a mission of showing I did not need to be babied and demonstrating just some modicum of autonomy. My mission: to cook salmon. I turned around, checked that my grandmother was asleep, and gave myself the go-ahead.

I turned on the stove, tossing pink chunks into the pan; the hot oil first sizzled, shook, then violently splattered with incredible vehemence.

I turned into a statue, frozen in shock.

I had neglected to wipe the wet fish before chucking it into the pan. Now I stood in pain, in panic, in my outlandish garb, wincing as each speck of oil found its home on my exposed skin. Then out of nowhere my grandmother appeared, my grayhaired savior with a lid, throwing her frail body before the pan to shield mine. The oil indignantly pattered against the lid as she set it down; I bowed my head in guilty silence, waiting to be scolded.

But Po-Po just took my hands.

“Are you hurt?” she asked in her rural Chinese dialect, gently.

I looked up from the dirtied kitchen floor, my mother’s sacred domain desecrated. There was no anger on PoPo’s tired face, only love, and splotches of reddened skin where the oil had scalded her. She wore no protective goggles, no fancy coat. I had been afraid she might be angry at first, but I was more shaken now, shamed by the realization that I had hurt her.

Yet, she never showed it. She never does. She did, however, accept my apologies and even worked beside me to help clean. Only when I appeared not to notice did she briefly disappear to check her burns.

I had acted rashly that day, but so had she, in confronting the volcano of hot grease. Only, her act of irrationality had been for my sake. I believe it to be the same irrationality that compelled her to leave her rustic home among rice paddies to immigrate to America, where she would work two menial jobs, where the people spoke a strange language ever beyond her grasp. She stood alone, enduring those hardships for the sake of her children and grandchildren. I stood alone for my own sake, to further some illusion of independence.

In reality, though I was reluctant to admit it before, I have always depended on people like her. I depend on them for the sweet, life-giving encouragement and the warm, unconditional love that makes everything else possible. They love me. They inspire me. They free me from fear of failure.

Indeed, despite all she has done for me, PoPo never asks for anything more in return than just for us to spend time together. She is simple. But so is love. Here is someone without so much as a high school education. Yet, it is through her that I have learned things no amount of schooling could possibly teach a giving heart, strength of character, a humble spirit, and most importantly, an understanding that I am connected to those who have made my opportunities possible.

As I see my grandmother’s quiet resolution, I feel invigorated, inspired. This titan of quiet strength makes me feel invincible. Her selflessness humbles me. Her love and loving sacrifices are pillars of my success. I just needed a little prodding from a malicious piece of fish to remind me that even as I stand triumphantly over my neat little heap of achievements, people like my grandmother stand with me, and it is on their sacrifices that I build my success.

02

文書詳解

頂尖名校約翰霍普斯金大學文書解析

英語專八,

師從於中國最著名的莎翁研究專家,

擅長美國藤校最青睞的劇本式寫作,

文書提升過程中思路清晰,文筆流暢,用詞考究,堪稱“變態”文書女警官。

頂尖名校約翰霍普斯金大學文書解析

文章優點:

1)視角獨特;

2)故事精彩;

3)開頭使用短句子吸引眼球;

4)文章句型的豐富變化。

這篇範文的作者是Alan C.他來自於San Leandro, California(加利福利亞州),打算申請Biomedical Engineering(生物醫學工程)專業,這篇文章主要闡述的是作者一次煮鮭魚的經歷。希望讀者注意的是,這篇文章提到了作者的中國祖母,由此點出的親情以及親情對於自己的影響。

富有感情的文章總是能夠打動人心!文章一定要真摯動人!

可供借鑑之處:

1)發掘獨無二的故事;

2)用精準的語言表達出來自己的故事;

3)用生動的語言雕刻自己的文書。

Comments(點評)

All too often, I see essays that start with a first sentence of ”My ______ inspires me.” While I appreciate the statement, there are definitely more creative ways to convey the message. Alan does just this. He has written, in my opinion, a successful essay. Through his story telling, he informs us of why he is who he is and how the people in his life have influenced where he wants to be in the future. By the end of the essay, I was thinking to myself, ”This student would be a great roommate…witty, warm, caring, and thankful to those who have sacrificed for him!”(注意這一句點評)

—Shannon Miller, Senior Assistant Director of Admissions

語言分析

1)第5段反覆強調自己的MISSION,突出了使命感,給人一種莊嚴肅穆的感覺;

2)接著後面段落中用了turn 一系列的動詞使用,精準得告訴了讀者他的行動;

3)第14段又用了stood連用,表明作者當時的一些列心理活動導致的反映。

總結,這些“小詞”極其精準得刻畫出作者的行動與心理,只是一個小詞使用,達不到這樣的震撼效果,一定是多次詞連用,才有可能把充沛的感情表達出來。

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